To Commit:

Simone’s Notes:

The name Asmodai is believed to derive from Avestan language *aēšma-daēva, where aēšma means "wrath", and daēva signifies "demon" or "divine being". While thedaēva Aēšma is thus Zoroastrianism's demon of wrath and is also well attested as such, the compound aēšma-daēva is not attested in scripture. It is nonetheless likely that such a form did exist, and that the Book of Tobit's "Asmodaios" and the Talmud's "Ashmedai" reflect it.  The spellings Asmodai, Asmodee, Osmodeus, and Osmodai have also been used. The name is alternatively spelled in the bastardized forms Hashmedai, Hammadai, Shamdon, and Sidonai. Some traditions have subsequently identified Shamdon as the father of Asmodeus.

-Edward-

Derdra is very precious to me. I need her if I want to save myself. However, I am not really sure that I want to be saved. It’s kind of hard to explain; but in a sense, I love the way I am right now, but in another sense, I know that I am heading down a deadly path. I don’t really know how to stop myself. In my mind, Derdra is the only one who can stop me.

Lately, I am starting to scare her. To be truthful with you, I have been scaring her for a long time. I don’t know how to ease her anymore. When I speak, I only tell her what’s aching my heart. I had to stop myself from laughing at those words. “My heart”. I didn’t know that I still had one. Heh, I thought Manami took that away from me when she turned me. Derdra and Winry managed to prove otherwise somehow.

Ah, dear Winry. Why don’t I spill out my bleeding heart to her? I don’t want her to see me like this. I am a monster and it would just tear up inside. I saw the look in her eyes when I was heading back to my apartment. We only caught a glimpse of each other, but that was all it took. She wants me to come back, but I can’t; not as I am now.

Winry can’t handle all of the confessions that I have to say. Derdra can barely handle them herself. She’s been putting on a brave face, but that’s been crumbling away lately. She breaks down into trembling every time I open my mouth to speak. Tonight is no different.

“What is the matter?” I ask her in bed. She tries to look away, but I turn her face back towards me. The fear in her eyes makes the pain in my heart twist further in.

“Please talk to me,” I plead her. She tries to force herself to speak.

“Take your time if you need to,” I inform her. Derdra lowers her eyes to my palm.

“I don’t think we can keep going on like this,” she confesses to me. Her words feel like a violent shot to my chest.

“Why is that?” I ask.

“I can’t take any of this anymore. You tell me so much that it is driving me crazy. I want to tell someone else to help get me some sort of relief.”

I gently caress her cheek. “You know you can’t do that.”

She shakes her head at me. “That’s the worst of it. If you tell me about another murder you committed I think I will lose my head.” I pull her in close for a hug.

“I am so sorry. I don’t know where else to turn.”

“Please stop, just please…”

I kiss her on the top of her head. “I want to thank you.”

She looks up at me. “You’re thanking me for what?”

“For putting up so much with me. I need to do something to repay you.”

“Don’t…”

“Derdra…”

“Stop.”

“But…”

“Can we please just not talk?”

I wouldn’t let go of her. “Alright, we won’t talk.”

“Thank you.”

We just stay quiet for the rest of the night before going to sleep. She’s my only salvation. I can’t lose her.