Guilt Trip #100:
Simone’s Notes:
Some thinkers have theorized that guilt is used as a tool of social control. Since guilty people feel they are undeserving, they are less likely to assert their rights and prerogatives. Thus, those in power seek to cultivate a sense of guilt among the populace, in order to make them more tractable. Some evolutionary psychologists have said that guilt is a rational human emotion selected by evolution. If a person feels guilty when he harms another or even fails to reciprocate kindness, he is more likely not to harm others or become too selfish; in this way, he reduces the chances of retaliation by members of his tribe and thereby increases his survival prospects, and those of the tribe. As with any other emotion, guilt can be manipulated to control or influence others.
Edward didn’t return home that morning. He was too guilty to do so. Instead, he just wandered the night in shame and crushing guilt. He tried to avoid looking at anyone on his walk. The boy stayed in a motel the whole night. Ed still couldn’t sleep however. All he could do was lie awake and stare at the ceiling. The alchemist just lied there thinking about his latest crime and his past ones. He raped an innocent woman on her way home last night. How could he live with himself? How could he face Winry on? How could he face any woman now? He felt awful about the woman he raped last night. She didn’t deserve his brutality. If she ever saw him again, she’d probably turn him into the police. That was the last thing he ever wanted to have happen to him. And the worst part was he actually enjoyed the whole attack and wanted to do it again real soon. Ed shut his head and shook his head in misery as he walked back home the next morning. What possessed him to act out like that? He never attacked an innocent before in his life. This wasn’t like him! None of this behavior was like Edward at all. He didn’t used to sleep around. He didn’t use to stay out all night. He didn’t used even fantasize about rape. What happened? How did he come to this? Why was he doing this now? The boy shuddered again. Edward didn’t know. He didn’t want to know. The whole thing made him sick thinking about it. He tried to clear his thoughts for the rest of the way home. Ed felt numb and sick on the way.
Edward finally made it home by lunch. He crept in quietly just so not to be seen by anyone he knew. The boy even hoped that he could be alone for the rest of the day so that he could wallow in self-pity again for his sins. The last thing he wanted was to talk to anybody about his private pains. They just wouldn’t understand if he told them. They would probably think that he was insane. So, it was better to be alone and suffer alone. Sadly, that wasn’t going to happen today. Little Iris was lying on the bed waiting for him. The slave had just woken up and saw that the master was gone. She looked up when she heard the door open. Ed stood in the doorway staring at her. The slave’s eyes lit up in happiness. “Welcome back!” she called. “You were gone all night! Where have you been master?” Ed looked up at her with guilty sorrow in his eyes. He looked so pale and sick. Little Iris noticed the look on his face and the mood all changed. “Master?” she asked in concern. “What’s the matter? Why are you so sad for?” The alchemist hesitated for moment. He didn’t know whether or not to tell the succubus the truth or not. Could she even understand his pain? Ed took in a deep breath at last. Well, he might as well just bite the bullet and say it. So, the alchemist began to unload it all.
“I feel so bad about it.”
“Don’t see why?”
He looks at her confused. “What do you mean?”
She sits up on the bed. “It happens. Wasn’t your fault she didn’t enjoy it!
“But I raped her! And the worst part was, I actually enjoyed it!”
She gained a fast interest after hearing that statement. “Enjoyed it? How much and in what way?”
He hesitated at first. He bit his lips uneasily.
She already had her answer for that question. “Ah! Was it better than causal sex?”
He nodded sickly.
“Does it make you want more of ravishment?”
He nodded in embarrassment.
She looks on him with deep pity. She embraces him in her arms gently. “Aw, don’t be ashamed about it. You’re a man and you should be entitled to anything you want! Don’t let useless guilt get you down.”
He tries to cheer up. “But what if she goes to the police about it?”
“Master, don’t worry! She’ll keep quiet for a good while!”
He w as still uneasy. “I still can’t sleep after sex. Something just keeps from sleeping afterwards.”
“Aw, it’s all in your head. Just ignore your guilty feelings and you’ll be sleeping like a corpse again!”
He looked at her desperately. He didn’t care if she was lying or not now. He just wanted some peace again and live normal once more. He just wanted to sleep again. “Are you sure?”
“I would never lie to you master!”
She tried to kiss him on the lips, but he pushed her away.
“Now what’s wrong, master?”
“Just go away. I want to be alone.”
She looks at him oddly. “Are you sure about that?”
“Please just go away.”
She just shrugged. “Fine! I’ll come back later.” Then she walked away gracefully.
Edward lied back onto his bed. He felt so much dirtier and guiltier than before he talked to his slave. The boy would give anything to fall asleep without feeling anything for once. How hard was that to do now? Outside, Little Iris was walking away back to Azrael’s flat. She was smiling to herself wickedly. “You may feel bad for what you did now, master,” she thought wickedly. “But that will come to pass!” Sadly, she was right!