Guilt Trip #004:

Simone’s Notes:

How strong is guilt? Through out literature history, it is deadlier than any weapon known to man. Guilt drove Lady Macbeth to madness and suicide in Shakespeare’s Macbeth. It drove the narrator of Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart to confession. People eventually crack under the pressure of guilt. But not always.

“What has become of you?” Edward thought in misery. He looked all around him. Porn was as far as the eye could see. Girls naked and half naked ruled the den part of the suite. Vid disc and mags all screamed out “Come and play with us!” This was awful. What started out as a method to numb the painful sickness had turned into fuel to the cancer. Ed only get this porn to prevent him from even thinking about cheating on Winry. Sadly all it was doing was making him hungry for real sex. “You are turning into a pervert!” Edward thought to himself in disgust. This was worse than sleeping with Shannon.

Every time Edward thought about his porn night while Winry was asleep, he wanted to vomit. It was just that sickening. But what did that damn dog care? It was getting what it wanted. The little beast was never satisfied. It always wanted more, even when Ed was too tired to even think about looking for sex. There was something odd about this dog. Every time Edward engaged in sexual activity, it got bigger and bigger. At first, the dog was just a cute little puppy that didn’t talk at all. It didn’t do much. It just sat there quiet and watched as Ed slept with Derdra and Winry. The beast was also quiet when he was with Shanghai Girl and Moscow Girl. But over time, the little puppy changed. It now had razor-sharp teeth, big as a German shepherd, and now it had a long slimy tongue. The little puppy was also nice at the beginning. All it did was plead and whimper at its host to feed it sex and porn. Now, the little monster became demanding, angry, and controlling. It even took delight in torturing Edward to the point of madness in order to have its way.

The young alchemist looked sickly at the S&M porn he had just looked at. Obedient Dog was its title. Yumi was to blame for driving Ed to watch such smut. He probably wouldn’t have spent the whole morning wanking off it she had given him what he had wanted in the beginning. Edward shook his head wildly. “What the hell am I thinking?” he thought sickly. “Yumi is not a sex object for you to bang whenever you want! So quit thinking like that!” The young alchemist sat back frustrated again. This was going nowhere again. That had it always was on days like this. The dog wasn’t talking for once. It just sat there and enjoyed the show! It seemed to take delight in seeing Edward in an internal conflict with his mind and libido. It was tempting to step in but the dog decided against it. Why spoil the whole fun in interrupting this poor soul in confusion?

Edward looked around at all of the porn again. Just looking at it made him sick to his stomach. How did he come to possess a whole half a year’s worth on hentai in a span of six days? This was not normal! What would Winry think if she saw all of this? She doesn’t have to know! It can all just be your little secret. [Shut up! I feel like a dirty pervert because of you!] Is it really? Or is this your true self and you are just now realizing it? Edward sat back annoyed. He wished there was some to put that damn dog to sleep for good. It was worse than Shannon in the logic of sex and affairs. Both wouldn’t know what a moral was if it bitch-slapped them in the face. Yet however, their logic was perfectly right…

Edward shuddered in disgust at that thought. Where were all of these thoughts coming from? Were they even his? Was this whole desire for porn even his? The young alchemist put his head in his hands and sighed aloud. This placebo was only making the disease worse than it was in the beginning. How long before he resorted to hookers again? How long before Winry found out the truth and walk out on him again? How long before he ruined his whole life because of his cravings? How long? How long? Edward lied back down on the couch. This was all making his head hurt again. Why does he always go through this? Aw, it’s all not bad! Just watch some porn and everything will be alright.

The young alchemist shut his eyes tightly. Usually he wouldn’t fight back against this evil little mutt. But Ed was too weak to argue back this time. All he wanted was to disconnect from anything. Ed just wanted to take the endless pain away. But he knew unfortunately he knew that was next to impossible. This sick desire was like a cancer. This poison that surrounded him was only feeding the illness. Ironically, it was the way to numb the hunger. It was either go mad from starving or go mad from poisoning. Both options looked ugly. But poisoning looked less serve. (Or so it seemed.) The dog just didn’t care. It was happy to get its way again.Excellent my little pet, you have made the right choice. And with that, Edward pick up a yuri film and put it into the slot. He slowly found himself drawn into the erotica. The sickness kept spreading as it ate for the evening. But sadly, porn soon wasn’t going to be enough to feed both the illness and dog.