Guilt Trip #0028:

Simone’s Notes:

Guilt can sometimes be remedied by punishment, by forgiveness, or by sincere remorse. Guilt can also be remedied through cognition, the understanding that the source of the guilty feelings was illogical or irrelevant. Law does not usually accept the agent's self-punishment, but some ancient codes did so: in Athens the accused was permitted to propose his or her own remedy, which might in fact be a reward, while the accuser proposed another, and the jury chose between. This forced the accused to effectively bet on his support in the community - as Socrates did when he proposed "room and board in the town hall" as his fate. He lost, and drank hemlock, a poison, as advised by his accuser.

“What has become of me lately?” Edward thought to himself again on this nice summer day. The alchemist sat in the garden of the inn. He was in deep stress again. The boy had to get away from his suite room. It was slowly turning into a prison day by day. The walls were closing in on him quickly. Edward had to get out or he would snap too easily. “It just keeps getting worse each day!” he thought. The alchemist was reflecting yet again on his behavior. He found himself appalled by the state it had gotten in. For four months now, he could say no to his desires. The porn was piling up again. The boy was seeing more and more hookers every night. He was staring lustfully at more and more girls now. But that wasn’t just it! Edward even found himself looking at soon decent-looking guys now. His own lust grew more and more each day. Normal sleep had long since abandoned him. When it wasn’t sleeping, Edward kept having more and more wet dreams every night. The sleeping pills and natural sleep herbs had quit working a long time ago as well. Winry still had him banished from their bed. She still didn’t fully trust him enough to let him back in. “You still haven’t shown me that you could be trusted!” she told him repeatedly. The lack of sleep was showing in his face just as clear as day. He wasn’t the only concerned about his ever-present insomnia. It took all of self-control not to snap at anyone who questioned the problem and offered help. Napping in the supply room wasn’t doing anything anymore. It seemed like the only time he got any *real* sleep was in the arms of hookers and other women after sex. But even that didn’t last long. That damn dragon would want more afterwards. Edward sighed hard to himself again. Things were just getting worse and worse. Any hope for help and redemption was fading away quickly.

“This is not normal!” the boy thought to himself in misery. “This habit of mine is slowly destroying me! It keeps tearing away at my soul inch by inch! If this keeps up, I’ll be worse than Ralph and Matt here!” The alchemist froze for a moment. He could feel himself start to get another headache. Aw come on, old friend! It’s not all that bad! You always come out unscathed. That Winry girl still hasn’t caught on yet! So you’re still in the clear! All you have to do is wash your hands afterwards and you’ll be fine again! Edward tried not to laugh at his misery. His little “buddy” had come to torment him again. [But that’s not the point! I’m not proud of what I am doing! Just thinking about all of those one-night stands makes me sick to make me sick to my stomach.] Don’t see why you’re not! You score some of the hottest hookers in the Red Light District! [But I’m not supposed to be down there because of the Night Slayer case!] Calm down! You been down there and you’re still alive! I don’t see why you have to sacrifice good fun for safety. Loosen up some! Choose life!

Ed noticed a disturbing change in him. The more he engaged in sexual activity, the more the dragon in his soul got bigger and stronger. It was feeding off of him like the parasite it was. This beast was determined to be fed more and more until it went quiet for a short moment. It was the cause of the stain on his relationship with Winry. It was the reason for him not sleeping very well. Ed grew to hate this parasite it his soul. But what could the host do? This beast had a strong hold of his sanity. It could destroy Edward when ever it pleased. When the little beast was hungry, the host had to answer to it or be driven into madness. Ed found himself trapped by this dragon. It just wouldn’t let him go. He was completely under its power. Oh come on! I’m only doing you favor! [I know I’m going to hate the answer, but how so?] The dragon smirked to itself coldly. I am helping to see to the real you! The host couldn’t help but to laugh at the reason. [What? A sad pathetic jackass who would practically sell his soul for the greatest sex ever?] No! A young charming stallion with a body like a sex machine! You don’t need to be tied down to one woman! You should be free! Your body is made for free carnal pleasure! You could have anyone you wanted and they would all come to you when you call! You are the master! [That’s new! But I don’t feel like a “sex machine” as you call me!] Not right now, anyway! But when tonight comes… show time! You are the king in the bedroom! No woman can ever resist you!

Edward shook his head disgust. “Doesn’t it ever think about anything other than sex?” he thought. I breathe sex! I live sex! I crave sex! It’s just how I am! [You can hear my thoughts?] Yes! I see inside your mind! I am in your head! I am here all of the time! Ed couldn’t help but to laugh at himself in misery. “How nice!” he thought sarcastically. “I don’t ever have privacy in my head anymore!” Then, a frightening realization came to Edward in a flash. What if this beast took over his mind one day and decided to ruin his life in a flash? Oh come on, pal! You know I would never do that to you! I’m your friend! I’m your only friend! Edward tried not to laugh at that statement. Such friend this dragon was! He couldn’t argue with the beast. It was just as stubborn as he was. And when the beast was determined to win, it pulled painful tactics to make its host submit without any questions at all. It drove him insane with sexual desires, insomnia, and headaches when ever it pleased. The torment made Edward question the extent of its friendship. What was its real intentions? Why did it want sex all of the time? Was there anyway to make it stop talking and driving him mad?

Edward sat back and looked at the sky. This was making him have slight headache again. Aw, don’t worry yourself to death, buddy! You need what you need? [A shot to the head?] Nope, some long hours of phone sex! Edward sat up in shock. [WHAT?!?] The dragon grinned at him again. Trust me on this one! The host tried not to laugh again. He knew that phrase was another lie that would lead him into more shame and guilt. Don’t see it that way! See it as a way to keep from cheating on Winry! The boy really couldn’t say anything against that statement. It was pointless to argue. He was going to loose either way. [Fine! I’ll do it!] Then, the alchemist rose to his feet and walked back into the inn. The dragon smiled to itself. Wise choice, my pet! Very wise choice! Pretty soon, the beast would want even *more*.