Fooled Again (I Don’t Like it)

*Stef*

I can take a joke. I can take a few things in life. But if it’s one thing I can’t stand is being used in a scheme for someone else’s benefit and I don’t get any of the cut at all. You know who does that? My “darling” niece, Sadie. Now, I’m a sucker for anyone. (Except for maybe a cute guy and hot night in the bedroom. *Snickers*) But my niece has inherited my conniving ways too well. The story goes like this.

Sadie came by for another annoying visit. I knew it was her by the heavy footsteps she took. That girl walks too heavily for a tiny thing. I quickly looked up. Oh crap! She’s here!

“Uncle!” Sadie yelled out. “I’m here!” I roll my eyes annoyed. Damn it, I need to learn how to keep the door locked more often. The ashes from my cigarette fell to the hard wood floor below. She walked over to the couch where I was. Her smile makes me want to throw up in her face.

“Hi uncle!” she called to me.

“Don’t call me that, you throwback!” I snapped. “What do you want?” Sadie smiled at me innocently. I didn’t trust her at all. She is always up to something.

“Why do you always do that?” my niece asked me.

“Because you always do!” I said to her sharply. “Now what do you want?” I took out my cigarette and breathed out. Sadie sighed out to me.

“Fine!” she said. I smirked at her. I knew it. I knew there was a hitch somewhere. Okay, let’s hear it. What does her royal highness want now.

“My friend, Jean, and I are going on a double date Friday night,” she explained. “I have my date, but Jean isn’t that lucky with men. So…” I quickly figured it all out.

“Oh!” I said aloud. “So you want me to play straight for you’re little friend?”

“Yes!” my niece chirped. A moment of silence came over us. I began laughing out loud. She laughed along with me. We laughed for like two minutes.

“No!” I said quickly. Sadie looked at me surprised.

“But why not?” she asked. I looked up at her crossly.

“I’m gay,” I reminded her. “I don’t like women. Going out with a woman goes against what all I believe!” Then, she did it again. Sadie turned on the sweet little angel look for me. She gave me that look. I tried to look away from her.

“No!” I said “Not going to work this time!” My “sweet little” niece kept on with that look that makes me want to slap her so badly.

“Pleaseeee!” she begged her. “It’s only for one night and I promise I won’t leave you alone with her!” I kept trying to fight her off.

“No!” I argued back. “I’m not subjecting myself to a lie!” In the end, I once again lost to my evil little niece.

“All right!” I said. “But if she tries anything on me, I’m leaving!” My niece looked so pathetically happy.

“Oh thank you, uncle!” she cried out. Then, she rushed forward and hugged me! Ewww! I felt my skin crawling all over.

“Okay, you can stop now!” I called as I tried to push her off of me. “Get off of me, you slut!” Sadie let go of me quietly.

“Great!” she chirped again. “See you Friday at eight! Oh and don’t rub it in her face that you’re gay. She has a hard time of getting a boyfriend as it is. Don’t make her feel even worse about it, okay? Bye!” Then she hurried out the door. I sat up straight looking confused. Uh… What just happened? She… suckered me into a date with a woman. My niece suckered me into a date with a woman! This is worse than some of the men she tries to put me with. Damn, I’m really losing my touch here! I need to enroll into a mean class again to say no to Sadie. Damn family ties!

I had wait three days before Friday came. It’s like waiting for the results of an STD test. I was annoyed and nervous. Sadie better hope for all of sakes that this friend of hers is sane and normal. I can’t stand crazy girls. (Torii’s okay.) And I can’t stand the slutty flirts either. Girls like Angelica, Melanine, and Shannon make me want to run away as fast as I could. Can’t deal with those types of women. No sir! Please let Jean be at least normal.

At last, Friday came. I got dressed in my laid back casual wear. I had on dark black surfer shorts, a white and dark t-shirt, cork sandals, and a black hoodie. I breathed in hard. Okay! You can do this, Stef! Maybe Jean will be a nice and normal woman. Just survive tonight and everything will be fine! Then came the knock on my door. I looked up quickly. Oh shit! It’s them!

“Coming!” I yelled to them. I hurried straight to the door. I opened it wide. Three people were standing on the other side waiting. My “darling” niece, Sadie, was dressed in a short black skirt, a matching tie in front blouse, silver hoop earrings, and heavy duty make-up. Her date was dressed in black leather pants, a Bulls basket jersey, black shades, and black and red bandana. And finally, there was my date. She looked fairly normal so far. A nice light blue blouse, neatly ironed black slacks, and matching black sandals. Her hair was cut like a boy’s. I looked at my company for the night. Hm, a slut, a freak, and normal shy girl. Shoot me now, I am in Hell! Sadie stepped forward.

“Uncle,” she greeted me. “This is Jean,” She turned to the normal girl.

“Jean,” she said. “This is my uncle, Stef.”

“Hi,” she said in a sound voice.

“Yo!” I said in boredom. Sadie clapped her hands together.

“Great!” she called. “Let’s go now!”

“Yeah!” I agreed. “I want to get this over with!” They all laughed nervously at me. Then we all went out on our date.

The date was an awkward and uncomfortable one. We all went out to this local club called Green Planet that looked like a pedophile’s wet dream. Teeny boppers were all over the place. I didn’t really like it there. I felt really old in this place. I kept thinking, Lord, get me out of this alive! Sadie and her guy friend kept making out the whole night. I felt like I was going to be sick. I wanted to yell at them to get a room. Such a disgusting display. I was so close to throwing up. I have always hated PDA. My “darling little” niece reminded me why. Jean didn’t help me night out either. She kept hitting on me. She kept putting her hand on my knee, trying to kiss me, and batting her eyelashes at me. It was the *most* annoying thing on the planet! But she was more settle than Melanine, Shannon, and Angelica were with men, I’ll give her that.

“Look!” I said at last. “I’m gay. I don’t like women. I date other men. So stop hitting on me so much!” Jean just kind of pouted at me.

“Aw!” she said aloud. “Can’t you be a little straight?”

“No!” I said quickly. “I’m gay and that’s final.” Apparently, the message got lost in translation with her. She didn’t seem to know how to stop trying to make me straight for the night. I finally just got up and left. Sadie and her crew of freaks tried to stop me, but I managed to escape unharmed.

Needless to say, tonight was a waste of my life. Jean is a nice girl, don’t get me wrong. But that’s just it. Jean’s a girl. I don’t like girls. I’m gay and date other men. I’ve done that since junior high. I sat back on my couch and lit a fresh cigarette. Bah! Oh well! Jean will find the right man one day. Just not me!

My Old Man was Born to Rock