Bullet with Butterfly Wings:
The notion of technical virginity is widely derided by many social commentators. In fact, the traditional theological definition of "virginity" in the Catholic tradition is the absence of any deliberately felt sexual pleasure. Assertions of technical virginity, often made for religious reasons, may be regarded by some as grossly hypocritical and self delusional. The well known advice columnist Dan Savage frequently ridicules such assertions when made by correspondents to his column and podcast Savage Love. His view, shared by many, is that "having sex", explicitly includes sexual activity other than vaginal intercourse, including oral or anal sex, or mutual masturbation. It therefore follows that once an individual has engaged in such sexual activity, they are no longer a virgin in any meaningful sense. Still, many people would admit a somewhat important difference between those acts that merely give sexual pleasure and those that receive it. Though there might be the notion that the recipient of a hand job has lost their virginity, few people would consider the hand that performed it to be therefore deflowered.
I tried to shake my encounter with that beautiful stranger off of my mind from a few nights ago. It hasn’t been easy. The whole thing is just so strange to me. One minute I was walking home and the next he is kissing on me for no reason. It just doesn’t fit right. It didn’t even feel right to begin with. The way he almost tried to choke me but shoving his tongue down my throat. The way he ran his bare hand through my hair. The way his automail hand felt against my good man…
I shuddered in disgust at the whole encounter. I still feel way dirty about it. Allen doesn’t know either. I plan to keep it that way. The last thing I need is to give him something else to worry over me for. In fact the morning after, I didn’t talk about it at the breakfast table. But somehow, my moods always betray me to him. So of course like a caring guardian, he had to ask me what was wrong.
“Alex,” he said. I looked up at him slowly.
“What is it?” I asked trying to sound normal. His heavy blue eyes were filled with concern.
“You seem down this morning,” he came out. “Is something bothering you? What did you get up to last night?” I froze for a moment. “Okay, think!” I thought. “Think of an answer to give him that is truthful but doesn’t give away too much!” I just shook my head at him and turned away. That works fifty percent of the time. This time it didn’t. Allen turned my face back to him. His eyes were really questioning me now. “Talk to me!” they seemed to scream out. I was trapped now. What could I say?
I just sighed and shrugged. “Okay,” I said reluctantly. “You got me.” Then I took him it was about school and I would be fine. Allen just nodded at me.
“Okay,” he said uncertain. “You can talk to me about, all right? Don’t be afraid to talk.” I nodded at him. But in my heart of hearts I knew that I couldn’t tell him about that night. I just couldn’t. He’d be in too much of a worry for me. Allen really needs to keep his blood pressure down now. But his health would soon be the least of my worries.
Tonight, I sat up in my bed unable to sleep. My encounter with that beautiful stranger still haunts me. I just can’t get it out of my head. All I see now when I sleep is his tattoo the right side of his neck. That’s what really did it in for me. I still am scarred by that damning mark. I shutter just thinking about it. I’m too worried it would happen again and this time it would be worse. Why is he so curious about me? Why does he want me so? Then, the worst was happening again.
I received a tap on my window. I slowly sat up and looked out. And who should be looking in? That lovely stranger that touched me five nights ago. I became froze stiff with fear. What did he want now? He was pointing at the window latches. He wanted to come in. I mouthed his request in a question at him. The beautiful monster nodded seductively at me. I hesitated at first. Then against my better judgment, I opened the window. The fiend crawled in on my bed. I stared at him with deep fear. He just kept smiling at me like I was a juicy piece of veal to a starving man. He just shook his head at me.
“Aw, don’t worry, Little Alex,” he told me. “I’ll be nice to you!” I really didn’t trust him at all. The tone that he used was just too creepy. I wanted to run, but where could I go? I didn’t want to go to Allen and worry him again. I wanted him to stay feed and alive. Then, the lovely monster lightly touched me on the shoulder. I could feel myself falling into another panic attack.
“Shhh!” the beast said to me. “Allen doesn’t have to know. Nobody has to know.” I was really scared now. I tried to speak, but my tongue was too limp and dead to form words. The fiend lightly put his hand to my mouth. I became stiff all over as I stared at him pleading for my innocence.
“Oh, how rude of me!” the monster said like a gentleman to me. “You don’t know who I am, do you?” I shook my head in fear. The beast kept smiling at me like a dog with a cornered rabbit. He leaned in close to my ear. His hot breath on my flesh almost choked me up.
“My name is Edward!” he whispered coldly to me. I really couldn’t breathe there. His name sent chills up and down my spine. He then stuck out his tongue and licked my ear. My heart was really racing there. I could feel another panic attack coming. I noticed that Edward was still smiling at me wickedly. He lightly kept his hand on my shoulder. He leaned into my ear again.
“Just count softly and breathe,” the fiend ordered softly. “Just count slowly and breathe.” I was terrified, but I still did as he said, hoping that he would leave. But then, it got really strange and creepy.
Edward then grabbed onto my pajama pants and yanked them down to my ankles. He did the same with my boxers. In deep terror, I covered up my exposed good man with my hands. He then began talking to me. I could barely understand a single that he was saying. My mind was trapped in a limbo of panic and fear. Then the fiend moved my hands away and began stroking on me slowly. I really was frozen stiff now. Why was he doing this to me? What was he doing? Edward then leaned in and kissed me on the lips lightly. When he forced his tongue into my mouth in the same manner, I was on a nerve melt down. I was too startled to fight back or move at all. So many thoughts were running through my head. Would this be the new normal for me? What did Edward really see in me? Would this ever lead to anything more… physical? I didn’t know and I was too scared to find out either. Edward must have sensed my fear for he went slower at his hand and mouth. He was really enjoying this torment on me. But what could I do? Let he do as he pleased with me? At the moment, that was my only option. I was too scared and stiff to fight. But that wasn’t the strangest thing. I slowly began to find myself enjoying what Edward was doing to me. I couldn’t explain it, but it was highly… satisfying. It was as if I had wanted this all along. But was it really? Or was I losing my mind at that moment? I couldn’t really tell.
I was about to come when Edward just stopped abruptly. I looked at him in confusion. I sat on straight on the bed trembling all over. I was cold and burning all over at the same time. I felt as if I would pass out at any moment. I wanted to ask him why he stopped, but my voice still hadn’t returned. The fiend just smiled at me seductively. He leaned in close to my ear once again.
“Not tonight, my little pet!” he hissed in my ear. “Not tonight!” Then he licked my ear once more. I froze one last time for the night. Edward just smiled at me with malice.
“Sleep well, Little Alex!” he called out. “If you can!” Then the fiend climbed out the window, shut it behind him, and disappeared into the night. I was just left sitting on my bed in a complete daze. I couldn’t sleep at all that night.